So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
