Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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