our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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