I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
