Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
