Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
