All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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