I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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