If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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