3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
