It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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