I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
