He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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