I saw his package. It spoke to me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
