you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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