Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
