ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
