Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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