I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
