HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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