my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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