my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
