Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
