I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
