I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
