Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I looked at my own cervix.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
