im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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