A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
