The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
