Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
