I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
