woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
