"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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