HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
