I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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