y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
