There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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