Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Randomize
