I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
