I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
