i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
