but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
