I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
