ya dads aren't the best wingmen
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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