I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
