Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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