So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
