you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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