If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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