I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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