ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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