Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
