I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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