You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
